Wanting to be heard vs having something to say

I have something to say about one of the most profound lessons I learned through my listening table experiences is that there is a massive chasm of difference wanting to be heard and having something to say, and it goes to the root of communication challenges we struggle with. I know I have.

Pay attention to me.

This is a concept that’s existed since birth. It feels good to have eyes on you, when you want them. To be attended to is to be included, in activities, in thoughts, in groups, in the hearts of the people you’re around. More than ever, we’re commodifying relevance based on the number of people paying attention to you. A duality I’m experiencing myself at this time. The more people that watch my videos, the better the message spreads, the more accomplished I feel.

I’ve worked with content creators who operate in the hundreds to those in the hundred thousands and the sentiment persists. More is better.

More people listening means I feel more heard, which feels good.

The concept of listening tables, or just being a better listener in general stands diametrically opposed to the idea of more being better. Shouldn’t one person be enough to make you feel heard? I think so, if they’re good at listening.

But what about when you have a goal?

This is when wanting for feel heard becomes having something to say.

You want to make some kind of change in the world, whether it’s in a family unit, or a work group, or society as a whole. It could be a simple something like saying you want to eat Thai for dinner, or it could be something complex like saying the new footwear product you invented is going to bring better ankle heath to customers.

I feel like the best people to listen to are the ones with something to say because they have or are working towards a message which answers the question: Why am I listening to you?

Oh, you want dinner? Great.

Oh, I’ll have better knees if I wear this shoe? Fantastic.

In practice, you’ll develop an awareness of this difference in your speaking and in your listening.

You may find that you speak a little bit less when you trim down the things you say when you just want to be heard. You may find it relaxing to not have to fill silence with words just because. You’ll find confidence in the things that you have to say, because you know that you’re saying it for a reason. You’ll be able to sense when others are seeking to be heard, and invite yourself to let them feel listened to. Often times, people say triggering things to get reactions out of people, and you’ll be able to navigate those with more ease, and avoid arguments.

I’m writing this because I have something to say, and I also want to be heard.

So thank you for reading.

About the blog:

I started this blog when I started my table, recounting the stories and lessons I’d learned. When I switched my website over to the new Squarespace format (which seems questionable as far a blog platform to me), I was unable to transfer over the sixty or so stories that I’d written. So here’s starting a fresh slate, as a practice. I’m glad to have you along the journey.