Orly’s Table 189: My High School
What number listening table is this for you?: 179
Location/City: Pacific Palisades
When did you set up your listening table?: March 22, 2024
About how long were you at the listening table?: 1 - 2 Hours
About how many people stopped to talk?: 5
Reflection: Person 1: Josh was a high school junior. He sat and answered the question about what has holding him back. He said he wanted to be a musician but his dedication to his craft was faltering. He was easily distracted and his inspiration waned. He shared a verse with us.
Person 2: This was a high school senior who sat for some time. He told a long and winding story of how he was raised in Miami, how selling and using cocaine became a cornerstone of his childhood. He spoke about countless fights he'd been in, and spoke with pride about not getting in any fights since a recent intervention - the kind where adults come in the middle of the night to steal you away to a wilderness school. He spoke about rehab, but I'm not sure if that was additional or used synonymously about the school. He spoke about getting into martial arts, said he was good at it. In the middle of his story, he demonstrated a few impressive kicks. Listening to his story was challenging because of the curiosity it brought up for me. I wanted to ask questions. I also wanted to control the situation by giving some listening concepts to the three other listeners. Josh, the rapper, had joined us, and he had no listening training at all, and yet he listened fine. I think that it's a natural urge for people to want to offer feedback or advice, and all of the listeners with me held back and allowed this man to tell his story - even though it was long. I let myself lean back into empathy and reminded myself that everyone here will learn something different, no matter what happens, and it's okay if it doesn't go exactly according to plan. That's the magic of it. I think about what result I would have wanted anyways, and I don't think there was one any better than what happened. After he finished, I explained and demonstrated the concept of gifts received by thanking him for his story and sharing that I got a chance to practice holding onto my curiosity - to not ask questions about the details that he already knew that we didn't need to, which came up the strongest when he spoke about stabbing someone several times and fleeing the scene.
I also admire Listener 1, who joined as a listener, for sitting quietly. We'd just found out about the USC acceptances earlier that day and she didn't get in. When this sharer mentioned that his girlfriend did get into USC, I imagine that rippled across Listener 1's awareness, and yet she was able to remain perfectly in the listening mode.
At the end of his share, I gave an example of gifts received and everyone shared with the student about how hearing his story effected them. That was a beautiful moment for me.
Person 3: Mr. Feeny, a teacher who said that his gift is to make sure that students feel loved. He took a photo on a disposable camera of us, then sat and asked about the table. After hearing the explanation, he told us how valuable it was. We were aligned. I got into a conversation about him about elementary school because he worked at Marquez (my elementary school) before I was a student there. Now he is not teaching anymore because he is taking care of his life partner who is suffering from Alzheimer's. He says that doctors say that it's dismal, but he is an optimist. I felt sad about that. Often, I think about how listening can only do so much. I can't pay someone's rent. It can't cure disease. And yet I am filled with hope because I know Mr. Feeny will show the picture of the listening table to people and it will inspire others in ways I can only trust in.
In between these conversations with the people who sat, I shared, and so did the two women who joined me as listeners. This is part of a new addition to the experience that I'll just call... showing up. If you don't show up, how can you expect anyone else to.
I spoke about fear of failure holding me back. Fear of giving 100% and having it not work out.
Listener 1: She shared about how her family was holding her back. So much of her life was out of her control right now, and she didn't know how to deal with it. Her family fosters an unhealthy environment that lead her to feel like a disappointment.
Listener 2: She shares about how she's held back because she doesn't have time to do the things she wants to do. School gets in the way. I ask to clarify, is it that her commitments to other things are holding her back? Yes. School is one of those.
She takes another turn in the sharer's chair and talks about her unrequited love story. There is a person she longs for, but that she cannot be with for reasons that we didn't get into. We didn't need to get into them because - just like Person 2 - I didn't need to know the details. I thanked her for her vulnerability and asked if she felt hopeless, and she said no. I asked to understand her feelings. Listener 1 asked a few questions that were perhaps motivated by a desire to ease Listener 2's pain, to lead her down a path of showing her that she could choose to let go of this crush if she chose to. I didn't feel like those questions landed for her.
I shared how I felt the heartbreak that Listener 2 was talking about. It made me sad, and I expressed empathy for her. I let go of trying to say anything that would make her feel better. It was a sad situation.
Listener 1 took another turn in the sharer's chair and spoke about how she feels like she can't be herself right now because she doesn't know who she is. I identified with that, because I had a similar experience. Fortunately for me, I was able to get away from my hometown in high school and that allowed me to come into my own. I'm optimistic for Listener 1. She shares that she's still figuring out what she wants in life.
Listener 1 and 2 are friends, and so they speak to each other with a deeper understanding of each other's situations. I'd like to ask if they've learned anything about each other from this experience, but I don't. I know I'll have another chance.
We pack up the table and go our separate ways.
How did this experience change your life?:
I got to experience two friends doing the listening table together, which was new, and beautiful.
This was the first time that I 'showed up' by sharing first. I've showed up before, but not first. I see this as a valuable moment in learning how to do tables best, and I'm grateful that I got to have this experience.
I was excited and nervous to set up in a dense high school student area and I ended up getting five really fantastic conversations and I got to be heard, and my expectations were far exceeded once again.