Merlot’s Table 1

My first listening table.

For days coming up to it I was super excited to do this, and really drove me throughout the week it became a motivating factor and a reason to live for that week.

For me that week that we did the listening table was a very hard week for me. But, I knew I needed to help others because that brings me joy and heals the little me that never had anyone to listen to me. Being part of the listening table was such an amazing experience for me for a lot of reasons.

Starting off with Josh who was very inspiring, he started off telling his story and answered our question. With Josh I connected to him through my shared passion for music. I also feel like even though he felt a lack of dedication, I felt like he was rather dedicated and I wanted to keep making him feel like he was enough and validate him. But, rather I leaned into the discomfort of listening than speaking at the end.

As for Person 2, I did not think that I would see part of myself in him, I think listening to him had the biggest impact on me. First off when he mentioned that his girlfriend got into USC my heart shattered into pieces and I was very emotionally dysregulated. But, I tried my best to pretend like nothing was bothering me because it was my job to be there for him. I felt tears gathering in my eyes, as it was not an issue of being rejected by USC but, the rejection itself that I struggled with. I also felt like person 2 and I both had struggled with trauma related challenges so, it really impacted me in the matter of it being hard to listen to a topic that was rather close to me. It was also difficult for me to be in the moment when he pulled out his vape. I think that at times when he spoke about the violence, it scared me and reminded me of my past. But, he talked about a lot of the wisdom he has gained and I definitely saw that he had pain but, also lots of resilience. I think the thought of him not wearing shoes also definitely crossed my mind throughout the conversation. This was rather difficult for me, but used a lot of deep breathing to stay regulated. He shared a lot of gifts with me and I felt that I could make it to the other side.

Mr. Feeny was like a tree of peace, I don’t know why but that’s what he reminded me of. He seems to really care about his past students. But, he seemed that he had a passion for caring whether it was for his students or his lifetime partner which he said suffered with Alzheimer’s, which he said as he was getting up which I found quite interesting as he started off saying how cool it was that we were doing the table and hesitant to take a seat at first. I am sure Mr. Feeny has impacted many people’s lives.

As for when I heard the other listener speak, I spoke with a previous 2 hours on the topic and a big scare that the other listener was going to get hurt the previous night. I was scared to lose the listener so, I felt like all I wanted to do was to help them. I made sure to constantly check on them to make sure they were ok throughout that day and even told them that if they could not come to listening table that day, that would be totally ok. But, they came and I was really proud of her. When the sharer spoke about school holding her back, I related since it is holding me back too. It is holding me back from my dreams and what I really want to do in this life. When she spoke about her crush, it was something we spent a lot of time talking about and I wanted to help ease her pain but, it was pain that I could not ease. Which in the moment made me feel very helpless.

Additionally, it was very interesting to have the legend, Orly sit in the chair and it was interesting to hear him share and I was grateful to hear about his experience and what was holding him back. It was my first person I was listening to and learned that body language and head nods were really important but, also being “one mindful” and being present in the moment.

In the reflection that Orly wrote, I would have loved to see him talk more about how sharing first and showing up for himself impacted him overall.

Lastly, comes me when I talked. Looking back and reflecting on my sharing I realized that I repeated a lot of the patterns that I am currently trying to improve in therapy. One, I spoke in generalization lacking description and detail because of my lack of trust in others. I also hide my authentic self and put on a mask because sometimes I do not want others to know what is really going on. With that mask comes a smile, a smile that tries to hide the pain but very much fails. Additionally, I felt a lot of judgement towards myself for sharing because anytime I share I either am getting yelled at or told by someone that it sucks but, they can not do anything about it. So, this was quite a different experience for me. I appreciated the space to share, it was definitely scary and could see how it is also scary for others.

Overall, very grateful for my first listening table.